Six Ways to Talk to Your Family About Money Without It Getting Awkward

It’s been a month of nudges. Free Wills Month has been running since 1 October, so it may well have crossed your path already. The Chancellor delivers the Autumn Budget on Wednesday, and nobody is entirely sure what will be in it. And next week, from 2 to 6 November, is Talk Money Week.

Three different prompts, all pointing at the same thing: a conversation most families keep putting off.

I understand why. Money is the subject we’re least comfortable raising with the people closest to us, even when we’re perfectly happy discussing it with a stranger in an office. It’s the conversation people most often tell me they keep meaning to have.

This year’s Talk Money Week theme is “It All Counts”, which I rather like. The idea is that small steps are worth taking, and you don’t have to sort everything out in one go. So here are six things that make these conversations easier – none of which involve sitting anyone down at a kitchen table with a folder.

1. Use something in the news as your way in

“We need to talk about money” makes everybody’s shoulders go up. “Did you see what they’re saying about the Budget?” doesn’t. A news story gives everyone something to react to that isn’t each other, and it lets you find out what people think before anyone has to say what they want.

This week is handy for that, as it happens

2. Pick a moment when you’re not facing each other

Side by side is easier than across a table. A walk works, or a car journey, or standing at the sink with the washing up. There’s something about not making eye contact that takes the temperature down.

3. Say why you’re asking

This one matters more than people expect. “How much have you got?” lands very differently from “I want to make sure I’m not going to cause you a headache later on.”

If you’re the older generation, your children may be worrying about how to raise it without seeming to ask about their inheritance. If you’re the younger generation, your parents may be worrying that you’ll think they’re being morbid. Naming your reason out loud removes most of that at a stroke.

4. Start with where things are, not what they’re worth

The most useful question in any of these conversations is also the least loaded one: if something happened tomorrow, would anyone know where to look?

Which bank. Which pension provider. Whether there’s a will and who has it. Who the financial adviser is. None of that requires anyone to disclose a single figure, and it’s the information families most often find themselves hunting for at the worst possible moment.

Better still, get it written down in one place. We put together a checklist called My Important Documents for exactly this – drop us a line if you’d like a copy, and we’re happy to sit down and help you fill it in.

5. Talk about what you want, not just what you own

Money conversations tend to get stuck on assets when what families really need to know is intentions. Would you want to stay in your own home if you needed care? Who would you want making decisions for you if you couldn’t make them yourself? Is there anyone you’d want to help, and when?

These are the questions that make the practical decisions straightforward later on. They’re also, oddly enough, much easier to talk about than numbers.

6. Leave it unfinished

You are not going to cover all of this in one sitting, and it’s a mistake to try. Open the subject, get one thing clearer than it was, and come back to it. Just to reassure you, families who manage this well almost never do it in a single conversation. They do it in about six, spread over a couple of years.

And if it raises more questions than it answers

That’s normal, and often a good sign. In essence, the point of the first conversation isn’t to reach conclusions – it’s to make the second one easier.

If something comes out of it that you’d like to think through properly, that’s what we’re here for. No folder required.

Catriona Bryden, Financial Adviser